Sunday, June 29, 2008
Confessions of a teenage drama queen part IIIAs you all know, in the past 2 years, I had a series of confessions that always speaks about Blas. Well, maybe it’s time to dedicate my 3rd confession to the Zahir…
…If a man we don’t know phones up today and talks a little, makes no suggestion, says nothing special, but nevertheless pays us the kind of attention we rarely receive, we’re quite capable of going to bed with him that same night, feeling relatively in love. That’s what women are like, and there’s nothing wrong with that- it’s the nature of female to open herself to love easily.
…I was eleven and he was thirteen years of age then, it was this same love that opened me up to my first encounter with the Zahir. I used a nom de guerre, which is Racquel, when we met, I got toasted and everything went wrong.
Years passed, He’s still the love of my life. We met, and then met again and 6 years later and we had a contractual relationship, we had sex and then there’s nothing more. Ok, everything’s vague, I don’t even know what made me go further in love, and all I know is it is simply is.
During the relationship, I felt terrible. I was beginning to think he’d been using me to just kill time. I would like to have been able to say: “Go away. Get out of my life! Ever since I first met you, everything has been a hell. All I want is for you to come here, put your arms around me, kiss me, say that you love me, and say that you want to stay with me forever, but that never happens.”
Questions crowded into my mind: Was he trying to test me? What was going through that boy’s mind? Was I ever loved by him? Why did he agree to have a contractual affinity?
After my separation from the Zahir and after our story reached its end, suffering followed, I wondered if I hadn’t made a bad, irresponsible decision, typical of people who’ve read lots of love stories in their adolescence and desperately want to repeat the undying love of Romeo and Juliet. When pain abated-and time is the only cure for that- I saw life had allowed me to meet the one person I would ever be capable of loving. Each second spent by his side had been worthwhile, and given the chance, despite all the wretched things that had happened, I would do the same thing over again.
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Saturday, June 28, 2008
ACOMODADOR: The point of giving upHOW FAR WOULD I GO FOR MY OBSESSION?
My Zahir is always the subject of my "impossible dreams"; those precocious dreams that made me went to places I'd never imagine I can reach....
That pilgrimage towards my Zahir went far beyond my limitation, it imbued me with my own detriment.
I felt a lump in my throat, occluding the air passage which lead to lack of oxygen on my lungs and heart. I struggled not to cry but I did, and as the pain and bitterness gets the best of me, I realized that our time-bounded relationship was full of empty spaces, nonsensical rhetoric, evasive reparation, false pretenses, ineluctable jokes, resounding excuses, reprehensible acts and conditional affinity.
Despite being wretched by my very own Zahir, there was no change in whatever in My Zahir. Exactly what he had been in my eyes then, he was in my eyes still...
In the words of a Persian sage: "Love is a disease no one wants to get rid of. Those who catch it never try to get better, and those who suffer do not wish to be cured."
From then, now and tomorrow, I am gratly and profoundly in love with the Zahir. He will always be the BEST I EVER HAD.
This is the last self-wretching effort of my fretfulness.
THE STORY NEEDS TO REACH ITS END.
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I had a lot of time to take a stroll around the city, and so I keep journeying. after many long, tense hours, I reach the heart of the city, where some even tenser people are waiting for me. They said that we're heading off to a cathedral as a part of the city tour.
To begin with there was the city wall. The wall remained, but one part of it was used to build a chapel. Many years passed,and the chapel became the church. Another century passed, and the church became a gothic cathedral. The cathedral had had its moments of glory, there had been structural problems, for a time it had been abandoned, then restoration work had distorted the whole shape of the building, but each generation thought it had solved the problem and would rework the original plans. Thus, in the centuries that followed, they raised a wall here, took down a beam there and added a buttress over there, created bricked up stained-glass windows.
And the cathedral withstood it all.
I walk through the skeleton of the cathedral, studying the restoration work currently being carried out: this time the architects guarantee that they have found the perfect solution. Everywhere there are metal supports, scaffolding and gran theories about what to do next, and some criticism about what was done in the past.
And suddenly, in the middle of the central nave, I realize something very important: the cathedral is me, it is all of us. We are all growing and changing shape, we notice certain weaknesses that need to be corrected, we don't always choose the best solution, but we carry on regardless, trying to remain upright and decent, in order to honor the walls or the doors or the windows, but to the empty space inside, the space where we worship and venerate what is the dearest and most important to us.
Yes, we are all cathedrals, there is no doubt about it; but what lies in the empty space of my inner cathedral?
Red, the Zahir.
He fills everything. He is the only reason I am alive.
For 8 years, I had unconsciously preferred to believe that he was the one. oh yes, he is.
Some people appear to be happy, but they simply don't give the matter much thought. Others make plans: "I'm going to have a husband, a home, two children, a house in the country". As long as they're busy doing that, they're like bulls looking for the bullfighter: they react instinctively, they blunder on, with no idea where the target is. They get their car, sometimes they even get a Ferrari, and yet they think that's the meaning of life, and they never question it. Yet their eyes betray the sadness that even they don't know they carry in their soul.
Happiness is mandatory, Are you happy?
I don't know if everyone is unhappy. I know they're all busy: working overtime, worrying about their children, their husband, their career, their degree, what they're going to do tomorrow, what they need to buy, what they need to have in order not to feel inferior, etc. Very few people actually say to me: "I'm unhappy."
Most say: "I'm fine, I've got everything I ever wanted." Then I ask: "What makes you happy?" Answer: "I've got everything a person could ever possibly want- a family, a home, work, good health, wisdom, large sum of money, car, beauty, suitors, fans, etc."
I ask again: "Have you ever stopped to wonder if that's all there is to life?"
Answer: "Yes, that's all there is," I insist: "So the meaning of life is work where you can get fired, family members that will eventually die, large sum of money that will soon be gone , beauty that will tarnish, suitors that come and go, health that may deteriorate, a wife or a husband who will become more like a friend than a real lover. and of course, one day, your career will end too. What will you do when that happens?"
ANSWER: There is no answer, They change the subject.
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I. BIOGRAPHIC DATA
Name: Mr. BASKETBOLISTA
Address: Taguig City
Age: 25 years old Gender: Male Religious Affiliation: Roman Catholic
Marital Status: Single Occupation: Military Service Man
Room and Bed #: Surgical ward Bed #2
Chief Complaint: Pain in right knee
Admitting Diagnosis: Anterior Cruciate Ligament with Tear
Reason for admission: For further evaluation and management
Attending Physician: Capt. Dino Flores
II. NURSING HISTORY
A. Past Health History
The client experienced fever and convulsions during his childhood years. He acquired chickenpox when he was 12 and measles when he was 17. He cannot recall if he was fully immunized or not. He just states that in his service as a military, they were given vaccination annually but he cannot recall the indication of it. He has no known allergies to any foods and drugs. Presently, he is diagnosed of acute cruciate ligament (ACL) which was started 2 weeks before the consultation. He is currently taking Mobic as analgesia.
B. History of Present Illness
The client went to Manila Naval Hospital last June 20, 2008 with the chief complain of severe pain and swelling at the right knee. Two weeks prior to admission, he experienced pain on the right knee which was first thought to be a sprain. According to him, the pain scale rate 8. He applied cold compress on the affected area for 20 minutes daily to alleviate pain. The client had been playing basketball since grade school and at his age, he already experienced 13-16 times of sprain all in the same leg (right). One week prior to admission, aside from pain, there is also a presence of swelling in his right knee. He said that it was the first time he would be confined in a hospital for playing basket ball. He verbalized, “Sa lahat ng sprain ko, ngayon lang tumagal ang sakit ng lampas 2 weeks”, which indicated that what happened to him is not just a simple sprain. Synovial fluids have been removed from his right knee twice since confinement. He was diagnosed having Anterior Cruciate Ligament Injury. He was advised by the physician to undergo arthroscopy.
C. Family History
His father died when he was 21 years old due to complications secondary to diabetes. Two of his siblings are hypertensive. Two of his uncles also have diabetes mellitus. The patient claimed that his maternal side has no heredo-familial disease.
III. PATTERNS OF FUNCTIONING
A. Psychological Health
Mr. Basketbolista describes himself as a strong and out-going kind of person. He is well satisfied in earning enough money and gives a part of it to his mother. As a bachelor, he enjoys mingling with his friends and co-army. Whenever problems or difficulties arise, he often times keeps it to himself or share it with his closest friend.
The client’s highest educational attainment is college graduate. He usually makes his own decisions when it comes to his health and body. However, whenever it comes to his health he chooses to go to a physician whenever he feels sick. The client easily understands and answers questions clearly, simple and precise. At present the client has no problem with speaking, writing or reading.
Interpretation and Analysis:
Over all, the client is currently happy and contented with his life. Even though he goes through stressful events he knows how to cope up with it. He has friends and family members in which they build and maintain meaningful relationships. The client also builds knowledge and skills and also strives to do his best for his future.
B. Socio-Cultural Patterns
Being an army is a fulfilled childhood dream to him. As an army, he is obliged to be far from home and be in a place where his service is needed. According to him, he is satisfied to the compensation he is getting from it. The client is on his second year on this profession and has a rank of Second Lieutenant (SL). He is still single and as of now, it is his mother that he considered as the most significant to him.
Interpretation and Analysis:
The financial needs of people of his age should be enough to meet his needs including of his dependents. It is this time that one plans for his future, builds his own home and starts his own family. Being satisfied and happy to your profession is important for if one wants something, he will never lose interest on it.
C. Spiritual Patterns
The client is a Roman Catholic. He seldom goes to church because of his profession- sometimes, church is not available. However, he never forgets to say a prayer before going to bed. He believes that everything happens for a reason and he became an army for a reason.
Interpretation and Analysis:
During this age, a person may not be an active member of the church because of the responsibilities they have to face.
IV. ACTIVITIES OF DAILY LIVING
Activities of Daily Living Before Hospitalization During Hospitalization Interpretation / Analysis
Nutrition According to the client, his usual diet preferences are vegetables fish and meat.
-The client’s diet is DIET AS TOLERATED. Normal
Elimination According to the client he usually urinates 8 times in a day. He feels no pain or discomfort while urinating.
And defecates 2 to 3 times a day. The client reported that he only urinates 4 times a day.
The client has changes in her bowel movement. He only defecates once a day. Immobilization and sedentary lifestyle decrease peristaltic movement.
Exercise Engages in vigorous exercises. Every Tuesday and Thursday, the client exercise from 1pm to 5pm as part of their routine; then plays basketball every Sunday for 4 hours. The only exercise the client performed was walking and limited range of motion exercises. Limiting patient’s activities prevents the possibility of exacerbating the injury of Anterior Cruciate Ligament.
Hygiene The client takes a bath once or twice a day. He brushes his teeth every after meal and makes sure her body is maintained clean as much as possible. The client still takes a bath once or twice.
He brushes his teeth every after meal and makes sure her body is maintained clean as much as possible.
A healthy hygiene contributes to the client’s overall wellness. The client is aware of the importance of having a good hygiene.
Substance use The client doesn’t drink alcoholic drinks or caffeine nor take any illegal drugs. The client does not smoke nor drink alcoholic drinks or caffeine nor take any illegal drugs. Avoiding such substance use contributes to the client’s health and wellness and prevents the occurrence of certain diseases.
Sleep and Rest The client reported that he sleeps 4-5 hours minimum and at the most 6 hours everyday. He does not take any naps.
During the client’s hospital stay, he sleeps 14-16 hours a day. Rest periods are needed by the client to be well. Changes in the sleep and rest pattern of the client can be due to her adjustments in the change in location (from home to the hospital setting).
Sexual Activity The client said that he is active.
The client has no sexual activity at all. Sexual activity may need to be curtailed or eliminated due to the case of the client.
V. PHYSICAL ASSESSMENT
Measurements Normal Values Actual Findings Interpretation and Analysis
Temperature 36.5-37.5 36.2 Normal
Pulse rate 60-100 72 Normal
Respiratory Rate 12-20 19 Normal
Blood Pressure Systolic:100-130
Diastolic: 60-90 110/80 Normal
Body Part Normal Findings Actual Findings Analysis / Interpretation
Head
Symmetrical, smooth skull contour, no area of tenderness, proportion Symmetrical, smooth skull contour, no area of tenderness, proportion Normal
Hair Shiny, black hair, no signs of dandruff Black, curly hair with no dandruff Normal
Face
Symmetrical, clear no pimples, no scar Symmetrical, no pimples, no scar Normal
Eyes Symmetrical and align, pink palpebral conjunctivae Symmetrical and align, pink palpebral conjunctivae Normal
Ears No discharge, no hearing loss, no tinnitus No discharge, no hearing loss, no tinnitus Normal
Nose Symmetrical, no discharge, no colds Symmetrical, no discharge, no colds Normal
Mouth No lesions, no sore throat, no hoarseness, moist buccal mucosa, lips not chapped No lesions, no sore throat, no hoarseness, moist lips Normal
Neck Supple and bilateral Supple and bilateral Normal
Chest
Symmetrical chest expansion, no retractions, no crackles, no murmurs Symmetrical chest expansion, no retractions, no crackles, no murmurs Normal
Upper extremities No edema, full equal pulses, symmetrical No edema, full equal pulses, symmetrical Normal
Skin Good skin turgor, no dermatoses, no lesions
No lesions, good skin tugor Normal
Abdomen Flabby, soft Flabby, soft Normal
Lower Extremities No edema and swelling, symmetrical Swelling of right knee Deviation from normal: swollen knee. (Fundamentals of Nursing 7th edition, Kozier; p.601)
VI. Laboratory and Diagnostic Examination Results
June 2 , 2008 Blood Chemistry
Differential Count
• Eosinophils
• Segmenters
• Lymphocytes
• Monocytes NORMAL
5-10x10 9/ L
0.55 - 0.65
0.25 - 0.35
0.02 - 0.06 ACTUAL FINDINGS
7.8 X 10 3 /L
0.64
.34
.02 INTERPRETATION
Normal
Normal
Normal
Other Diagnostic Procedures:
ECG revealed Left Axis Deviation
Interpatation: It is easiest to define axis by quadrants. A normal axis is defined as lying within the limits of 0° and +90°. LAD (Left Axis Deviation)
For Arthroscopy
VII. Medications
Generic Name Dosage Indications Contraindications Adverse Reactions Nursing Responsibilities
Meloxicam
(NSAID)
Brand name:
Mobic
15 mg/day
The lowest effective dose should be used for each patient. Meloxicam therapy usually is started at 7.5 mg daily. Some patients require a dose of 15 mg daily, but this dose should be taken only under the direction of a physician. Meloxicam may be taken with or without food.
Meloxicam is used to treat tenderness, swelling and pain caused by the inflammation of osteoarthritis and rheumatoid arthritis.
Meloxicam blocks the enzymes that make prostaglandins (cyclooxygenase 1 and 2) and reduces the levels of prostaglandins. As a result, inflammation and its accompanying symptoms are reduced.
Active Peptic Ulceration
Severe hepatic insufficiency
Children below 15 years old
Pregnancy and lactation
Patients who develop signs of asthma, nasal polyps, angioedema, or urticaria
• diarrhea
• constipation
• sore throat
• cough
• runny nose
• fever
• blisters
• rash
• hives
• itching
• swelling of the eyes, face, tongue, lips,throat, arms, hands, feet, ankles, or lower legs
• difficulty breathing or swallowing
• hoarseness
• pale skin
• fast heartbeat
• unexplained weight gain
• upset stomach
• excessive tiredness
• lack of energy
• yellowing of the skin or eyes
• pain in the right upper part of the stomach
• flu-like symptoms
• cloudy, discolored, or bloody urine
• back pain
• difficult or painful urination
do not take if allergic to aspirin or other NSAIDs
Meloxicam should be used with caution in combination with blood thinning medications such as warfarin (Coumadin) because of an increased risk of bleeding.
Never take it with aspirin-it may increased risk for developing an ulcer.
Persons who have more than 3 alcoholic beverages per day may be at increased risk of developing stomach ulcers when taking meloxicam or other NSAIDs.
use caution engaging in activities requiring alertness such as driving or using machinery
VIII. Pathophysiology
IX. Ecologic Model
Hypothesis: Hyper extension is the cause of anterior cruciate ligament injury.
Agent
Host
Environment
ANALYSIS:
The anterior cruciate ligament (ACL) is probably the most commonly injured ligament of the knee. In most cases, the ligament is injured by people participating in athletic activity. As sports have become an increasingly important part of day-to-day life over the past few decades, the number of ACL injuries has steadily increased. This injury has received a great deal of attention from orthopedic surgeons over the past 15 years, and very successful operations to reconstruct the torn ACL have been invented. (http://www.eorthopod.com/public/patient_education/6506/anterior_cruciate_ligament_injuries.html)
Movements of the knee that place a great strain on the ACL can cause damage to the ligament. Hyperextension of the knee, that is, if the knee is straightened more than 10 degrees beyond its normal fully straightened position, is a very common cause of an ACL tear. This position of the knee forces the lower leg excessively forward in relation to the upper leg. Activities placing the knee into hyperextension and /or the tibia into excessive inward rotation can be from either an outside force or non-contact in nature.
The types of sports that have been associated with ACL tears are numerous. Those sports requiring the foot to be planted and the body to change direction rapidly (such as basketball) carry a high incidence of injury. In this way, most ACL injuries are considered noncontact. (http://www.ehealthmd.com/library/acltears/ACL_causes.html)
CONCLUSION AND RECOMMENDATION:
I therefore conclude that hyperextension of the knee is the main cause of anterior cruciate ligament injury.
The initial goals of treatment immediately after injury is to reduce pain and swelling and regain range of motion and strength. Even if surgery is likely, achieving as much knee motion and strength as possible can greatly reduce complications after surgery. Immediately after an ACL injury, the so-called R.I.C.E. treatment is recommended.
R.I.C.E. stands for:
Rest - The individual is advised to rest the knee from weight-bearing activities allowing the swelling to settle.
Ice - Placing a cold compress or ice pack on the knee is helpful in controlling inflammation as well as helping to reduce pain.
Compression - Utilizing an ace wrap for compression around the knee is beneficial to control the swelling.
Elevation - Lying down with the leg elevated higher than the level of the chest is helpful in controlling and reducing swelling.
XI. Discharge Plan
MEDICATIONS
Take prescribed medications by the physician with the given dose and frequency to promote and maintain faster recovery.
ELIMINATION
Mobilization is encourage to increase peristalsis.
Increase fluid intake is adviced.
TREATMENT:
Consult physician
Consult physical therapist
Ice may be applied for 20 to 30 minutes several times a day
HEALTH EDUCATION:
Keeping the affected area elevated above the level of the heart
Encourage brisk walking.
OUT PATIENT FOLLOW-UP
Have regular physical check-up with physician at least once a year
DIET
Maintain a balanced diet.
Drink lots of fluids particularly water.
SEXUAL INTERACTION
Can have an intercourse if the client can tolerate.
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Friday, June 27, 2008
DEAR REDDear Red,
Hi, hello. It seems that it's only yesterday when I was holding you, when in fact; it's been a year when I last saw you. Where could I start? I got a lot of things to say to you but whenever I try to speak them up, there comes nothing but despair.
I love you, you know that and it cannot stop, it is constant and dynamic.
Finally, I had the strength to address this letter to you, specifically you. And for a year that passed by, I spent my days with frustration and suffering, when you left me, I dunno how can I face my life, I dunno what will I do without you, coz u've been my immortal love, yes! I never believed in a thing called soul mate until you came in and gave me the roller coaster ride of my life, whereas the time stopped, the chills pricked me quickly, the bells are ringing me and so as the peak of my life is reppin' to the fullest. When I met you, I saw your light, and I loved you once, and I thought that, at this stage in my life, I had nothing to lose by being honest with myself and with the man I wanted to be by my side…
Love was undoubtedly one if the things capable of changing a person's whole life, from one moment to the next. That there was the other side of coin, the second thing that could make a human being take a totally different course from the one he or she planned; and that was called despair. I know that not all things will eventually go along with what you expected, I lost you, and I cannot accept that fact, it's too surreal to believe in.
But as I wake up every single morning, eat, walk, travel and go home, I'm still wishing that I could see you and embrace you for even one more day… Sometimes my eyes play tricks on me that whenever I meet someone who resembles like you, it gives me a quick fix of hope that that person is you, but no… will I ever see you again?
Ok, I know I can't have you back again, somebody owns you now, I can't say goodbye, I still love you even though I'm with someone new, and you couldn't blame me for that!
I know that you can't say to the spring "come now and last as long as possible." You can only say, "come and bless mw with your hope, and stay as long as you can."
And to sum up all my conclusions, you had just a PASSERBY in my life… that's the bitter part of meeting you, you had only a purpose of alleviating my burdens, and I don't blame our fate because I know that everything is in God's will. If we are truly made for each other, then I know you'll come back home to me again…
This sounded like a farewell, but it was the loveliest farewell I would ever experience in my life…
Standing on the edge,
CAMILLE
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Dear who-He-I-must-not-say-the-name,
If Tears had a face, I think it will kinda look like mine, and if it had a home, I think it will live in me forever. Why? Oh don’t be fool, don’t act that you don’t care and don’t act that u havent anything to do with this thing!! Yes its you! You are the reason! No, I m not blaming you, I don’t have the right to blame you for what happening to me! If continuing this idiosyncrasy isn’t in the typical standards of norms, then I wanna be wrong for the rest of my life, You are the sweetest sin.
Hey! You made me lose the spectrums of my existence, it feels bad but I miss your voice, I miss your smiles, I miss you your nose, I miss your eyes, I miss your shoulders, I miss your arms, I miss your hands, I miss your feet, I miss your ears, I miss your lips, I miss your kiss, I miss your iris, I miss everything about you, but if I’m not permitted to feel such emptiness, let me say one last thing that I miss the girl I was with you,,, the who is crying and laughing together with you, the girl holding you in her arms, feeling the warmth of your body next to her, oh swear it was the happiest moment in her life! Yes! You are the very genuine reason why you made that girl so happy!
As I feel the cold chill of the monsoon wind, it makes me cry and smile. Smiles for mesmerizing all the moments that we had share together, the times when you’re still there for me, the hours of my day where I can spend it all just talking to you, the struggles that bumped my road and solved it by yourself! And most of all, that soul mate thingy!
On the contrary, I am crying every now and then for the parting time that we had not so long ago! You know that don’t wanna let go of your hand, but your making your way to get out on my grip, so it just happened! You’re gone! Even though I don’t want to shed off my tightness in your hands, things just happen, so fast that even if you have the power to battle against it, still, you cant overcome its vulnerability,
Perhaps I can unleash this one fine summer love out and away, perhaps I can meet the man that will close my buttons, perhaps I can be a successful human-being that I always wanted to be, perhaps I can find a high-wage job that will make me happy, perhaps I can get marry someday and have my own kids and raise a home of my own family then later on, DIE! My tombstone would be engraved with these words, Camille the girl who had loved earboy so much
Yeah! That’s a sure thing that will happen in the next decades to come! So what can you say? I am not asking you to feel guilty and bad about yourself, I just wanna let you know what’s the fact behind me who had I deep cut that I don’t deserve!
Oh maybe in your verdict, I do but why?
Hey! I have a secret to divulge Even though I am with someone new, all I can think about is you although they make me happy and carry on in my everyday frustrating life, its still you that I think is THE REMEDY for this ache
If ever we will be seeing each other again, I wanna tell you that I would like to stay with you for the rest of the night, for the rest of the week and for the rest of my life.
Trying, hoping and praying,
Camille
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My life was a constant day-to-day frustration; one happy day is almost a miracle
every time I feel alone, I can blame it on you coz I have been more alone that I’ve ever been before.
I tried to believe you when you told me that I will be ok, but I don’t.
I tried to make u smile but you’re heart is in your throat, I tried to make you warm but you’re too numb for my fire, I tried to make u feel loved but you’d push me away!
In my arms I want to take you, in my heart I want to feel you, but you’d throw me up on a point of no return. But anyways, every little thing you gave me, sure I will find a way to thank you!
It’s a shame not to be able to breathe in a pure air!
Human beings can withstand a week without water, 2 weeks w/o food, many years of homelessness, but not loneliness. It’s the worst of all tortures, the worst of all sufferings
Sometimes, DEAD is BETTER I know it will help me to alleviate the suffering that clutched on my system.
Ever had the thought of just walking away from all your fears and worries? And then
Trade all those craps from a deep heavenly-peace slumber? Nah! I don’t need to do that anymore, coz even in my existence, I am so obliviated by you!
Traveling back on my memory lane, I was happy then when we meet someone and fall in love, we have a sense that the whole universe is on our side. I saw this happen a while as the sun went down. And yet if something goes wrong, there is nothing left! No herons, no distant music, not even the taste of his lips. How is it possible for the beauty that was there only minutes before to vanish so quickly?
Life moves very fast. It rushes us from heaven to hell in a matter of seconds.
Could it be any harder, to live my life without you? Could it be any harder to face what’s true?
if I only have one more day
the sound of your feet, the smell of sweet perfume, stick to me forever..
I wish u didn’t go.
I wish that I could touch you again with life in your hands
But I guess, it’ll never be the same again
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aN Open-Letter for BoY TeNga
Current mood: guilty
Category: Life
DEAR He-who-i-must-not-say-the-name,
Well, its been now Lighter
days since youve went away, and all I do
is check the screen to see if your OK..
Now, where would I begin?.. Oh yes, to
the part that I am devastated from
experiencing the excruciating pain of
being left alone,, and here I am,
standing on the ledge, waiting for my
rocket to come back and hoping once
more to take me out of this crazy mixed-
up world.
I can still remember how wed been
through, from glancing at a digital piece
of my life to being my knight in shining
armor.
Yes, the one who saved me from all the
burdens of my life, the one who gave me
wings and made me fly, the one who
drove off the shits on me, the one who
embraced me when I felt alone in that
cold summer night, and the one that
slaved my heart.
Everything between us seemed to be
beyond the limits of our status, were not
lovers but closer to that, of course you are
not just a friend, for me, youre my life-
support, supplying what my veins needed
in order for me to survive.
Somehow, I viewed it as a POSITIVE
thing! Expected that everything will turn
out right since you understand the
complexities that I have, but hate to
break it for myself, I cant stay on a cloud
9 forever..
22nd of may, half-past 8 in the evening,
you bid your farewell, made an exit in
the garden that you had made so
beautiful,
leaving it all alone, w/o thinking wholl
gonna tend all the things that youve
started.
That same night, I drunk my heart out,
hoping that a little numbness will fill my
entire body! I dont want to feel the pain,
not because Im scared or I dont wanna
suffer, is just because that I dont believe
its happening, even in my worst
nightmare, I didnt imagined that you
would do such thing,, oh you just did!
Practically, I know whats the very reason!
Yes, I AM SELFISH! I only hear what I
want to, Im so conceited, Im so
arrgghhhh, youll get the picture.
I know you are smart enough to know
where hell Ive been when youve gone!
Yes, u can even laugh at me when u
want to, u can declare yourself as a
winner, but hey, its real, Ive really been
to hell!
Then theres this guy who brought back
the life that u sucked in me! I was happy
again, because finally I could breathe
again! Id loved him so much more than
hed ever known, but as you are
expecting, I didnt turn out the way that I
am then.
Eventually, we parted our ways. Again, I
cried, but I came to realize that those
drop of loneliness arent for that thing,
hmmm go figure! And please!! Dont get
me wrong, Id loved him and what? Hell
always have a place in me, somehow,,,
someway..
Today, I am nothing! Yes, Im like a
pirated CD that stucked on a single
melody, YOU, of course! If only I had the
courage to face the next chapter of my
life, and then move on, Ill bet, ILL be
the slickest lass on the planet, but nor was
I.
As I looked in your batch elementary
yearbook, feels like all the memories ar
coming back like a storm that pass by and
then making its way again on my road!
Whoa!! Now thats what you call PETTY!
Not for me, because its the only way that
makes me smile knowing that Ive learned
and experienced the Lifes greatest thing:
TO LOVED AND BE LOVED in RETURN..
One thing for sure, everything happens
for a reason, everything is in Gods plan,
so now Im holding to him..
But honestly, if I can interfere what is
being planned and manipulate them, Ill
make us invinsible, inseperable and
unputdownable. So now, I need a
miracle to change the world, cause Im
sure, I cant change your mind.
Look at me today, Ive learn a lot from
you. I am proud to say that I am now a
better person, THANKS TO YOU,, Im still
holding on to your hand.. wishing that
someday youll know that I was the one
for you
Ratherly be inlove with you,
CAMILLE
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difficult times always lies ahead of us, and yes, letting go of something special is one of those burdens that might face each and everyones road.
On my case, its been so tough!
I remember there was a time that Ive met somebody whod been the life in the air that I breathe,
Whod been the pot that filled my cup of tea,
And whod been my prince charming in my fairytale-like life. I was so happy then that finally, I am experiencing the thing called LOVE. Id thought that it will going to be forever that well always be together, but hey! Nothing really lasts.
One night, he texted me and ended it all. The worst, He didnt even gave me a reason why he had to do such thing, its so unjust!
What am I going to do? I just dont know how to feel when somebody youre devoted to, suddenly stops loving you.
I spent a lot of time coping to the reality, and Ive learned it the hard way, hes gone.
Yes, I hit the phase of anger, depression and bitterness, but I came to realize that these are all stages of martyrness. Dwelling on the past wouldnt make me happy, instead, it will just make me feel more miserable.
I thought I had to content myself with loving and suffering, but I can choose either to be a victim of the world or a typical type of human being dueling and struggling against the twist and turns of fate.
I had grown a lot while waiting for this moment. I know I cant have him back in my arms, just like the raindrops, u cant hold all of them that keeps on falling down, and you cant do something to get a hold on its totality. Thats why you have no choice but to let go.
I kept myself busy, somehow it helped me a lot.
I know I must rinse in the sea of loneliness, so here I am, trying to forget him forget all those frustrations that he made and accept whats in store for me.
My yesterdays were almost done, now my todays are easy now. As they say, Life is like a book, it is chapterized, you have to move on to the other chapter when youre already done with the prior scene.
I do believe that Truly Almighty God is just around, helping us to become a more competent individual, because every time that we stumble and fall, we learn how to stand up and how to fly.
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OPPOSITES/SETISOPPO (a story)
Current mood: crappy
Category: Life
OPPOSITES/SETISOPPO
Fabulous bratty girl meets rocker boy … that’s what my friends technically say whenever I cite our unglorified story that had happened not-so-long ago.
Pain and pleasure, sadism and masochism are the only things that enters my mind every time I remember that ONE FINE SUMMER LOVE it seems like it just all happened yesterday. I dunno, I don’t want to think that maybe we were meant to be living our lives separately, it just hasten up my pain that I am suffering every day.
They say that opposite attracts and bonds with each other, but what happened to us?
Its been quite a long time since he chooses another road, instead of mine. I did everything to keep his feet walking with me, but it didn’t work out. But if he is already sure that that another road is the right path for him, I will be sad, I will remember that feeling of desire, our meeting, our walk along the grills and shrubs, his light that had been my raising guide in the dark. I will treasure the thing he gave me, and every time I light the fire, I will remember him. But I will never again come looking for him, coz that’s the best way to move on
It made me feel helpless and blue, its in my daily life, in my hidden suffering, in the sacrifices I make, sometimes, I feel like blaming LOVE for the destruction of my dreams. Pain is frightening when it shows its real face, but it’s seductive when it comes disguised as SACRIFICE or SELF-DENIAL. Or cowardice. However much we may reject it, we human beings always find a way of being with pain, of flirting with it and making it part of our lives.
Does a soldier go to war in order to kill the enemy? No, he goes in order to die for his country. Does a wife want to show her husband how happy she is? No, she wants him to see how devoted she is, how she suffers in order to make him happy. Does the husband go to work thinking he will find personal fulfillment there? No, he is giving his sweat and tears for the good of the family. And so it goes on: sons give up their dreams to please their parents, parents give up their lives in order to please their children; pain and suffering are used to justify the one thing that should bring only joy: LOVE.
Now, who the hell really understands the complexities of that thing we called LOVE? A lot of people had gone wild and insane after failing to achieve the benefits of that thing.
LOVE, as I say, is like sciences ALL OR NONE LAW, its either you will win or you will lose. So many human beings are blaming and cursing this feeling because it is so hard and so risky being in love. But looking on the brighter side of getting hurt, there’s still a beauty beyond hatred and madness, because people tend to know their selves more after loosing a battle, thinking what went wrong so the next time, they will take their actions and decisions into a better and more suitable perspective, then finally move on.
Just like me, after the unfortunate distortion happened, Id gone from a sweet and innocent girl, from a hardcore rocker, from a flippin’ thug, from an introvert person and finally, to an actual human-being.
They say TIME is a big healer but that is a BIG LIE. Wounds can only be healed when you decided to be cured.
Although I wanna be cured, it seems that I have no solution to this, It seems that I just cant let go, he is TATTOED on my mind. My friends wanna stab me in the head for still being hanged with this ROCKER BOY. They even ask me, what’s with that Guy that makes you feel like that?, still living in his AFTERGLOW. Well, here it is:
First, he is surely the type of guy that every girl would wanna bring home just to meet their momma. He is intellectual. He reads the same novels that I do read too. He is sensitive. He is romantic. He is considerate and understanding. He is appreciative. He is passionate. He is a good listener and responder. He makes a girl feel more secure in his arms. He makes a girl feel like she is the most precious gem in the universe. He makes a girl feel like she is a natural woman. He made me grow up. He made me a fighter. He thought me how to be resilient. He knows how a girl feels, what woman wants and what a lady likes. He filled the empty space with the love I used to chase.
Now tell me, if you were on my shoe, Can u ever let go of a man like this?
The hardest part is watching him go away and facing the reality that he isn’t mine anymore. But oh! I can’t lose what I never had
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True as they say, Youll only know your self when you have gone beyond your limits so I had confronted my demons and my dark side
After all, we are human beings, we are born full of guilt; we feel terrified when happiness becomes a real possibility; and we die wanting to punish everyone else because we feel impotent, ill-used and unhappy. To pay for ones sins and be able to punish the sinners, wouldnt be that delicious? Oh yes, wonderful!
Now I want you to know where the hell I had been but I guess I dont need to narrate the whole scenario! Hell yes! I hate him! (you dont know what are you really gonna feel when love, anger, depression, devastation and humiliation are all mixed-up!)
But as the JATR says, THE LAW HATES PEOPLE WHO CHEATS, SO KILL THEM ALL, and I want to kill him right now!
I want him to die now! I will curse him for being the nastiest boy that I have ever met!
Know why I am giving a damn? Because he made me feel like I am just an itch, but Im not coz Im far-way better than what he thinks, I AM GODDESS EXTRAORDINAIRE! I may not be that emotionally strong but I am not that naïve.
Of course I will make him suffer, I will tear him apart flesh by flesh! I will shave all the hair he got in his body, then undress his skin off from his body! But wait! Im just getting started; this aint even half on the show.
Skinless patootie, Ill make him swim in the ocean of muriatic acid! After rinsing, I will make him play his favorite tune with his favorite guitar, with needles in each of his fingers while strumming the last music that he will ever hear in his life! Oh yes, I will cut his wrist too (just like what he caused me) and taste his blood! The blood of a deep shit SCUMBAG!
But hey! No, I realized that a slow death will not make him suffer more, so I will just have my revenge in a more diplomatic way! I will let him live for the rest of his life. So maybe youre wondering how can I earn my vengeance?
No, I dont really want to hurt him physically. You know that my only weapon is my writings! Tsk! But I came to realize that he doesnt have a mind, so even if he reads this, it would not get into his nerves. Does he have a heart at all?
No! all he have is his deep carnal hunger, his silly friends, crappy ladies and his putrid colleagues! Eewww!! so its just SO oVErLy LAME to spend a lot of my precious time boosting off my anger to such a filthy rodent like him!
So maybe youre wondering why my title is like that? When I would not feel really guilty to do such evil things on the guy that I am talking about!
Well, actually I feel so guilty for making the wrong decision of attaching myself to him! Duh! He is just a chatroom guy who have no life, and definitely, no future! Haha someday, he will be burn in hell!
Note for my constant readers:
The guy that Im pertaining to is NOT BOY-TENGA!
Sure he made me go down below and fall apart but I can not hate him! I dunno! My heart dont want me to hate him eh!
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ONE FINE SUMMER LOVE
Current mood: morose
Category: Life
"Dear Blas,
Do the same thing, never again. That one fine summer love was the only thing we had ever shared in our existence, and if I am lucky enough, you will accept the fact that I am made for you and so as you are to me, I am your soulmate, I am the girl who's loving you since the past lifetime, I was the one for you, come back to me now! And make me whole once again, I love you! We should be together again! We would be bigger than anything! We could have been so perfect! I should be the one whom you're locking in your arms… not shasha, not adi but me, Thonie…"
Changes are constant in our lives, and chances might not come back again, the frailty of human existence… isn't it sweet?
Oh yeah for sure… As I was listening to my pod, the songs first of summer, where'd you go, 241 (my favorite song), and scars reminds me of a person,,, oh that guy…. His name is Blas, he is strong, smart and affectionate
It was then last summer when I've met a man named Blas who made me happy, alleviated my pain and made sense when none of the pieces fit. Way back then before he came in, my life was never happy, I haven't had any successful relationship, or sometimes it's not congruent, because the odd thing is that when somebody loves you, it turns out that you're not feeling the same, and so I looked for somebody, a prince charming who will see through me and accept my imperfections, who will treat me as her Queen… and that summer, I never failed to find a person like that… Blas… everything between us is so perfect, no wars, no shouts and no delusions..
Oh how I loved him, but then again, It's bound to be a heartbreak situation, especially if you are not OFFICIALLY ATTACHED to that person. I felt so betrayed and cheated by my own thoughts of making him stay with me forever, marrying him, having kids and raising a family and so as the fantasy goes on without me expecting that things could fall for some unfortunate instances…
COULD I BE SORRY? Perhaps yes, because I can never find another like him, and a soulmate passes in your life only once so seize that moment and never let it go, hold on still even if this take a lifetime of suffering…
Or perhaps No, I shouldn't be sorry for everything happened, it's written on our fate. . And on the first place, I'm not the one who broke him; I'm not the one who should feel sorry and be a loser! It should be him! I didn't do anything wrong! All I did was to make him happy, loved him the best way that I can and surrendered my self completely!
But at least we had a moment before he bid farewell! Oh no! It is undefined,,, it's not enough … if only I had the power to turn back the hands of time, I will go back to the day when I met Blas and say "NO! you cannot enter my life", but it can't be because I haven't regret anything that came between us, he is such a wonderful thing that ever hit my life, What we had is rare, it's too beautiful to just throw it away…
It will preserve in my memory, be tattooed in my heart and stick to my soul forever, for my heart will always have a space for him…
Hahaha! My hopes are all disillusionment, I must stop, I can never ever have him again,,, but I'am sorry if I can't stop it until now…
I'm sorry Blas, I just missed you, and I'm sick and tired of waiting for my rocket to come. When are you coming back home again to make me and walk with me again along the grills and the shrubs, hold my hand and talk things that makes us laugh and cry… I wish someday that we will reunite and return.
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Wednesday, June 25, 2008
other related testThe Memory Test
Your score = 83
What does your score mean?
Your results indicate that you have very little difficulty remembering things. When it comes to absorbing information or recalling details, it appears as though you have quite a few sponge-like qualities. Keep in mind however, that like many cognitive functions, memory does tend to deteriorate with age. The good news is that there are a number of techniques that can be used to improve memory recall, including mnemonic devices (e.g. using a rhyme to recall State capitals), or making visual associations (e.g. remembering your client Scarlet Jones’ name by picturing her driving a red car). Of course, writing things down couldn’t hurt either! Although factors such as fatigue, stress or poor diet can play a role in poor recall, other, more serious causes of forgetfulness include tumors, medication side effects, Depression, and Alzheimer’s Disease.
Mental Speed Test - Version 1
Mental speed refers to how quickly you can process information and make decisions based upon the facts available. Being able to think on your feet is an asset in a wide variety of situations, as even the best laid-out plans do not account for all problems and obstacles we encounter at work or in everyday life. Therefore, the ability to come up with a quick solution can really come in handy! Even if you did not score well on this test, the good news is that mental speed is a skill that can be trained with time and practice.
Accuracy:
Accuracy percentage: 90
Your accuracy on this test was excellent - you were able to keep your focus throughout the test. With practice you can improve even more, especially if your timing wasn't as good.
Completion time:
You must have had your coffee today, because you finished this test in record time! Combined with a high accuracy rate, this is a good skill to have. Mental speed is an asset in many situations, and definitely puts you at an advantage under circumstances where split second actions or decisions are required.
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Classical IQ Test - Version A
Humans have hundreds of specific mental abilities. Some of these abilities can be assessed quite accurately, and be reliable predictors of your academic achievements. Though IQ tests in general can measure only a few of a human’s mental abilities, the ones chosen for this test are known to be positively correlated with many other skills. Your score is a strong, though not perfect, indication of your true potential in terms of the unmeasured, or underlying, abilities.
Snapshot Report
Vocabulary
Subscale IQ score = 116
Subscale percentile = 86
I.Q.= 116
Compared to others who have taken this test, you scored well in this section. A large vocabulary comes with practice. While this skill is especially useful for writers, it is important for everyone. Having a clear understanding of people’s intended message is vital no matter what you do for a living. This is a skill that can be easily improved with a bit of effort.
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