Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Director’s cut: No Lights, No Camera, No ActionDirector’s cut: No Lights, No Camera, No Action
Sometimes, it is only by being brutally honest with ourselves that we can begin to move on. Sometimes, if you are having difficulty coming to terms
with something, all you need to do is to take a step back and look at the bigger picture.
I was very struck by what he said and that night, for the first time, I moved away from my disappointment and look at my relationship and its entirety. That was the moment of my epiphany. It was as tough as I finally forgotten right lens on my glasses and I could suddenly see what was plainly obvious all along. My affair had not been as wonderful as I had led myself to believe; the “life in the air I breathe” had not loved me as I deserved. Somewhere along the way, we had drifted apart and forgotten how to make each other happy and how to console one another. In the end, neither of us was getting what we wanted or needed out of the relationship. It wasn’t a case of us deserving to be with better people, we just deserved to be in better relationship, which I concluded.
A PERFECT RELATIONSHIP can never ever exist in the real world, or even in novels such as Erich Segal’s love story, Oliver and Jennifer never had a permanent and perfect love story; and so as it can also happen not only to me, but to almost everybody in this whole damn world. Fate has been so playful, it always presents a lot of ironies in being in love and a lot of never ending pain and suffering. But why is it like that? When suffering from a broken heart we all have a morbid tendency to remember only the good things about a relationship. But these memories, far from
making us happy, only serve to haunt us by playing over and over in our heads like pop songs that get too much air time. We tend to gloss over all the things that weren’t perfect about the relationship. All of a sudden, all those things about the past love that used to appall us suddenly seem charming and endearing. Why it is the memories of how they made us laugh are so much more vivid than the memories of how they made us cry?
It’s because human beings are born frailty when it comes to that thing called love, we are always whip by cowardice whenever we are about to accept the bitter truth, afraid that reality may bite us so hard more than we could take.
I know, of course I’ll always know, and it made me think that I already mastered all the tricks and trade of the game of love.
I’ve been in love before, it’s like a narcotic. At first, it brings the euphoria of complete surrender. The next day, you want more. You’re not addicted yet, but you like the sensation, and you think you can still control things. You think about the person you love two minutes, and forget them for three hours. But then you get used to that person, and you begin to be completely dependent on them. Now you think about that person for three hours and forget him for two minutes. If that person is not around, you feel like an addict who can’t get fix. And just as addicts steal and humiliate themselves to get what they need, you’re willing to do anything for love.
And that just disgust me! Doing everything and giving anything but more often, you’re not getting any thing that you should deserve. It’s so unjust and so unfair. But why we’re still giving in despite of the sufferings that it always brings us? …that? I do not know, but whatever the reason is? I hate it!
In the real world, where there is no lights, no camera and no action that follows us in every step of our move, Love is so complicated! It is imbalanced. And to make things worse, it is a KILLER, Love is a killer! It kills us gently and passionately.
Labels: my thoughts that burning
0 eavesdropped
Monday, May 14, 2007
One fine Summer Love“Dear Blas,
Do the same thing, never again. That one fine summer love was the only thing we had ever shared in our existence, and if I am lucky enough, you will accept the fact that I am made for you and so as you are to me, I am your soulmate, I am the girl who’s loving you since the past lifetime, I was the one for you, come back to me now! And make me whole once again, I love you! We should be together again! We would be bigger than anything! We could have been so perfect! I should be the one whom you’re locking in your arms… not shasha, not adi but me, Thonie…”
Changes are constant in our lives, and chances might not come back again, the frailty of human existence… isn’t it sweet?
Oh yeah for sure… As I was listening to my pod, the songs first of summer, where’d you go, 241 (my favorite song), and scars reminds me of a person,,, oh that guy…. His name is Blas, he is strong, smart and affectionate
It was then last summer when I’ve met a man named Blas who made me happy, alleviated my pain and made sense when none of the pieces fit. Way back then before he came in, my life was never happy, I haven’t had any successful relationship, or sometimes it’s not congruent, because the odd thing is that when somebody loves you, it turns out that you’re not feeling the same, and so I looked for somebody, a prince charming who will see through me and accept my imperfections, who will treat me as her Queen… and that summer, I never failed to find a person like that… Blas… everything between us is so perfect, no wars, no shouts and no delusions.
Oh how I loved him, but then again, it’s bound to be a heartbreak situation, especially if you are not OFFICIALLY ATTACHED to that person. I felt so betrayed and cheated by my own thoughts of making him stay with me forever, marrying him, having kids and raising a family and so as the fantasy goes on without me expecting that things could fall for some unfortunate instances…
COULD I BE SORRY? Perhaps yes, because I can never find another like him, and a soulmate passes in your life only once so seize that moment and never let it go, hold on still even if this take a lifetime of suffering…
Or perhaps No, I shouldn’t be sorry for everything happened, it’s written on our fate. . And on the first place, I’m not the one who broke him; I’m not the one who should feel sorry and be a loser! It should be him! I didn’t do anything wrong! All I did was to make him happy, loved him the best way that I can and surrendered my self completely!
But at least we had a moment before he bid farewell! Oh no! It is undefined,,, it’s not enough … if only I had the power to turn back the hands of time, I will go back to the day when I met Blas and say “NO! you cannot enter my life”, but it can’t be because I haven’t regret anything that came between us, he is such a wonderful thing that ever hit my life, What we had is rare, it’s too beautiful to just throw it away…
It will preserve in my memory, be tattooed in my heart and stick to my soul forever, for my heart will always have a space for him…
Hahaha! My hopes are all disillusionment, I must stop, I can never ever have him again,,, but I’am sorry if I can’t stop it until now…
I’m sorry Blas, I just missed you, and I’m sick and tired of waiting for my rocket to come. When are you coming back home again to make me and walk with me again along the grills and the shrubs, hold my hand and talk things that makes us laugh and cry… I wish someday that we will reunite and return.
0 eavesdropped
Thursday, May 10, 2007
An open Letter to BLAS IMMANUEL V. FLORESDear Blas,
Hi, hello. It seems that it’s only yesterday when I was holding you, when in fact; it’s been a year when I last saw you. Where could I start? I got a lot of things to say to you but whenever I try to speak them up, there comes nothing but despair.
I love you, you know that and it cannot stop, it is constant and dynamic.
Finally, I had the strength to address this letter to you, specifically you. And for a year that passed by, I spent my days with frustration and suffering, when you left me, I dunno how can I face my life, I dunno what will I do without you, coz u’ve been my immortal love, yes! I never believed in a thing called soul mate until you came in and gave me the roller coaster ride of my life, whereas the time stopped, the chills pricked me quickly, the bells are ringing me and so as the peak of my life is reppin’ to the fullest. When I met you, I saw your light, and I loved you once, and I thought that, at this stage in my life, I had nothing to lose by being honest with myself and with the man I wanted to be by my side…
Love was undoubtedly one if the things capable of changing a person’s whole life, from one moment to the next. Nut there was the other side of coin, the second thing that could make a human being take a totally different course from the one he or she planned; and that was called despair. I know that not all things will eventually go along with what you expected, I lost you, and I cannot accept that fact, it’s too surreal to believe in.
But as I wake up every single morning, eat, walk, travel and go home, I’m still wishing that I could see you and embrace you for even one more day… Sometimes my eyes play tricks on me that whenever I meet someone who resembles like you, it gives me a quick fix of hope that that person is you, but no… will I ever see you again?
Ok, I know I can’t have you back again, somebody owns you now, I can’t say goodbye, I still love you even though I’m with someone new, and you couldn’t blame me for that!
I know that you can’t say to the spring “come now and last as long as possible.” You can only say, “come and bless mw with your hope, and stay as long as you can.”
And to sum up all my conclusions, you had just a PASSERBY in my life… that’s the bitter part of meeting you, you had only a purpose of alleviating my burdens, and I don’t blame our fate because I know that everything is in God’s will. If we are truly made for each other, then I know you’ll come back home to me again…
This sounded like a farewell, but it was the loveliest farewell I would ever experience in my life…
Standing on the edge,
CAMILLE
0 eavesdropped