Sunday, June 29, 2008
Confessions of a teenage drama queen part IIIAs you all know, in the past 2 years, I had a series of confessions that always speaks about Blas. Well, maybe it’s time to dedicate my 3rd confession to the Zahir…
…If a man we don’t know phones up today and talks a little, makes no suggestion, says nothing special, but nevertheless pays us the kind of attention we rarely receive, we’re quite capable of going to bed with him that same night, feeling relatively in love. That’s what women are like, and there’s nothing wrong with that- it’s the nature of female to open herself to love easily.
…I was eleven and he was thirteen years of age then, it was this same love that opened me up to my first encounter with the Zahir. I used a nom de guerre, which is Racquel, when we met, I got toasted and everything went wrong.
Years passed, He’s still the love of my life. We met, and then met again and 6 years later and we had a contractual relationship, we had sex and then there’s nothing more. Ok, everything’s vague, I don’t even know what made me go further in love, and all I know is it is simply is.
During the relationship, I felt terrible. I was beginning to think he’d been using me to just kill time. I would like to have been able to say: “Go away. Get out of my life! Ever since I first met you, everything has been a hell. All I want is for you to come here, put your arms around me, kiss me, say that you love me, and say that you want to stay with me forever, but that never happens.”
Questions crowded into my mind: Was he trying to test me? What was going through that boy’s mind? Was I ever loved by him? Why did he agree to have a contractual affinity?
After my separation from the Zahir and after our story reached its end, suffering followed, I wondered if I hadn’t made a bad, irresponsible decision, typical of people who’ve read lots of love stories in their adolescence and desperately want to repeat the undying love of Romeo and Juliet. When pain abated-and time is the only cure for that- I saw life had allowed me to meet the one person I would ever be capable of loving. Each second spent by his side had been worthwhile, and given the chance, despite all the wretched things that had happened, I would do the same thing over again.
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