Sunday, October 08, 2006
VINDICATED FAREWELL...MY SWEET SURRENDER
Because I am a girl to whom love is everything…
So I can't simply do nothing, pretend that everything is
normal, that's it's just a stage, a phase of my life. I want to
forget it, I need to love- that's all. I need to love.
Life is too short, or too long, for me to allow myself the luxury of
living it so badly.
But hey, is it really necessary to share to that person the love that
you feel for him?
Original sin wasn't the apple that Eve ate, it was her belief that
Adam needed to share precisely the thing she had tasted. Eve was
afraid to follow her path without someone to help her, and so she
wanted to share what she was feeling… Certain things can't be shared.
Nor can we be afraid of the oceans into which we plunge of our own
free will; fear cramps everyone's style. Woman goes through hell in
order to understand this. Love one another, but let's not try to
possess one another.
In the beginning, everything was love. But then the serpent told Eve:
WHAT YOU SURRENDERED, YOU WILL LOSE. That is how it was with me- I
was driven out of paradise, and ever since then, I've been trying to
find a way of telling the serpent he was wrong, that living was more
important than keeping things to yourself. But the serpent was right
and I was wrong.
I'd loved a man who sat beside me then, because I do not possess him,
and he doesn't possess me. I am free in my own mutual surrender; I
need to repeat this dozens, hundreds, millions of times, til I
finally believe my own words, but it won't make any sense at all. No,
not at all.
In all the languages in the world, there is the same proverb: "what
the eyes don't see, doesn't grieve over." Well, I say that there
isn't an ounce of truth in it. The further off that guy is, the
closer to the heart are all those feelings that we try to repress and
forget. If we're in exile, we want to store away every tiny memory of
our roots. If we're far from the person we love, everyone we pass in
the street reminds us of them… so much things that reminds me of him,
and my heart has grieved so much, that today, I'm leaving.
As I passed all the bright city lights as I go home, I spent my time
in the car thinking that there's still life, that that solitude will
somehow, be over. So I contemplated then after I while, I found
myself already inside my room, cleaning my dirts, bathing, then I
took my filler's binder and removed all the frustrating letters for
Boy-tenga,,, after doing such things, I let a deep breath, close my
eyes and pray for a while, then I CUT MY HAIR!!! Yes! I really cut my
hair and tied it on my letters for boy tenga, then I slid it to a
box, and I wrote a phrase on a box and it goe like this, "SCARS
REMINDS US THAT THE PAST WAS REAL."
Yeah! I'm kinda out of my mind to write things like that, although im
not turning to a sour grape! Yes, I'm really done. I am finished,
when I already said goodbye, I really mean it! But what's so strange
about it, is that??? What?? I don't really know! I got all the
answers that I'm searching for, and I my final open letter had
already been posted, so what's this strange thing bugging me? Well
maybe, it's just the beginning of my new life.
My friends are all right. My ex-boyfriends are all right… they are
saying exactly the same thing, "Let go of the past, and then the past
will let go of you and set you free." And so I did, I feel better.
No, actually, I feel great.
Finally, no more crying nights, no more bitterness, no more
frustrating melodies, no more heart-breaking dramas, no more
unglorified story, no more killing loneliness, no more grievous
lines, no more sickening dilemmas, no more insecurities, no more
jealousies, no more guessing games, and no more broken smiles.
"I guess I'm just a child, don't know why the world is very wide.
Someday, we will make a brighter day better than our yesterdays."
Now, I'm about to shake it off, show my special kind of something
and let those f*ckin d*rn good-lookin' rich lads know that my hips
don't lie.
So here we go,
… I LOVE U, GOODBYE…
_M.C._ ®
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